Fighting drug addiction is like trying to claw your way out of a wet paper bag. I decided to start a blog in the hopes that it will help keep me sober. I don't care if anyone reads it, or likes it, or hates it, I just want my words to go out somewhere in the universe.
I have been clean by choice for 2 1/2 days, and all I can think of right now is calling my doctor and having him refill my prescription, so I can sit on my porch all night and smoke cigarrettes; thus, successfully avoiding my life. I've been doing that for the last 5 years. My marriage is crumbling, my health is failing, and my job - a job I dearly love; a job that brings me a sense of purpose - is hanging by a very thin thread. Attendance is especially important for a teacher; students need a sense of continuity in order to learn and retain what they need. But I've missed 10 days since the beginning of school - 20% of the semester so far - mostly because I was going through withdrawals every few weeks when my prescription ran out. I prolonged the only legitimate illness I had by smoking like a chimney - I only smoke when I'm high - causing a ridiculous cough that lingered day after day after day.
After 5 years, my life is a desolate landscape: no friends, almost no hope. I've been hospitalized twice over the past 2 1/2 years for depression and to detox from Vicodin. I've been to NA meeting and done step work; but I always go back to the drug. It's sweet song calls me even now.
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